NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 8
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon — Jeff Gordon took the victory in Phoenix, his first win since July of last year, and more importantly, the 76th Cup win of his career. That tied him with Dale Earnhardt for sixth on the all-time NASCAR victories list. Jeff Gordon then flew the No. 3 flag from his window as he celebrated with a victory lap. The win also secured his position as the favorite to win this year's Nextel Cup championship, a tenuous position that changes 30 to 36 times a year, or as often as Tony Stewart's mood.
"Regardless of what Dale Earnhardt's fans think," explains Jeff Gordon, "I was just trying to show the man respect by waving his flag. I find it fascinating that Earnhardt fans dislike me enough to throw half-full beer cans at me, but the don't dislike me enough to throw full cans at me. I think I'm beginning to win them over."
2. Jeff Burton — Jeff Burton finished 13th is the Subway Fresh Fit 500, only his second result outside of the top 10 this year. In eight starts this year, he's finished in the top 15 each time, and is one of only three drivers to have completed every lap this year.
"I guess you could call me 'Mr. Consistency," says Jeff Burton, "but I'd rather you not. That's just a polite way of saying 'This guy's never won a Cup title.' I compare 'Mr. Consistency' to the title of 'Miss Congeniality' in a beauty pageant. If I were in a beauty pageant, which I'm not, I wouldn't want to be the one they called 'Miss Congeniality.' And, if I were in a beauty pageant, which I'm not, Jamie McMurray would surely win."
3. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson finished fourth in Phoenix, one of three Hendrick cars in the top seven, but persistent electrical problems kept him from challenging for the win. He held on to fourth in the Cup point standings, where he is 211 behind pal Jeff Gordon.
"When life gives you lemons, or a faulty battery," says Johnson, "then you make lemonade. And when you empty that cup or bottle of lemonade, then you should toss that container at whomever dares fly the No. 3 flag of Dale Earnhardt. At least, that's what you should do if you share the short-sightedness and lack of simple graces of Earnhardt fans who choose to commit such an act. By the way, they throw like girls, except for the girls, who throw like men and also look like men."
4. Matt Kenseth — Matt Kenseth finished fifth, the only Ford in the top seven in a race dominated by Chevrolets. In fact, Matt Kenseth and three of his Roush teammates accounted for the only Fords in the top 23.
"Under normal circumstances," says Matt Kenseth, "NASCAR would rectify this situation by evening the playing field with some crazy solution that puts the Chevys at a disadvantage. Like by sapping some horsepower from them, or forcing Michael Waltrip to drive them. However, since the Car of Tomorrow was supposed to do just that, level the playing field, I guess I'll just have to continue making the most of this Ford Fusion, or as I call it, the 2007 LTD."
5. Tony Stewart — Tony Stewart led 132 laps in Phoenix, but was passed on lap 300 by Jeff Gordon, who held on for the win. Earlier, on lap 299, Tony Stewart, running second, sliced between Jeff Gordon and the lapped car of Mark Martin Truex, Jr. for the lead, then briefly contemplated retirement before finishing second. Then, Tony Stewart showed his best speed of the day by leaving the track before talking to reporters.
"Hey, at least I waited until the race was over to leave," says Tony Stewart. "It's frustrating to run such a good race and not come away with a win. And it's even more frustrating to have to answer silly questions about a silly, off-the-cuff remark I made last week about my so-called retirement. I'm sick of those questions, and I'm sick of hearing that New York Yankees announcer say 'an A-Bomb from A-Rod' every time Alex Rodriguez hits a home run."
6. Denny Hamlin — Denny Hamlin led 70 laps and was charging to the front when a pit lane speeding penalty dashed his hopes for the win. He still finished third, and held on to fifth in the point standings, 242 behind Jeff Gordon.
"I can't say I necessarily agree with NASCAR's pit road speed monitors," says Denny Hamlin, who can't drive 55, and often wonders where have all the good times gone. "Anyway, I thought radar guns were illegal. Well, at least they are in my home state of Virginia. But who are these NASCAR officials monitoring this high tech equipment? Are they trained to understand this equipment, or are they the same guys that umpire church softball on Friday nights?"
7. Kyle Busch — Kyle Busch scored his fifth top-10 of the year with a seventh in the Subway Fresh Fit 500. More impressively, he remained at the track for the entire race, although he briefly considered checking out for an ice cream sandwich during his first pit stop. Strangely though, Kyle Busch was uncharacteristically silent about the COT's first foray onto a mile-length track.
"Look, some things are more important than my feelings about the COT," says Kyle Busch. "How can I worry about the COT when my hero Sanjaya has been voted off of American Idol? I'm heartbroken. Can we get this kid to do a national anthem, maybe before qualifying at Talladega when no one is listening? Anyway, compared to how Alec Baldwin talks to his daughter on the cell phone, I treat the COT like a queen."
8. Mark Martin — Mark Martin finished 12th at Phoenix International Raceway, his only finish outside of the top 10 in six starts this year. He moves up one spot to 10th in the points, 405 behind Jeff Gordon, but is third in average points per start with 153.5, behind only Jeff Gordon's 165.7 and Jeff Burton's 156.5.
"That's great," says Mark Martin. "Somebody give me a pat on the back. I'm third in 'APPS.' Who gives an 'RA?' Anyway, I never was too good at math. I said I was retiring three years ago, and look at me now. Has it been three years? My wife's not too impressed with my math skills either, although I'm still her favorite rapper."
9. Kevin Harvick — Kevin Harvick's reign in Phoenix came to an end, as last year's two-time winner at PIR finished 10th after leading 54 early laps. He jumps three places in the points to 11th, 424 behind Jeff Gordon.
"Rain in Phoenix?" asks Kevin Harvick. "Man, it never rains there. Anyway, there was quite a bit of bumping and banging out there, and I was right in the middle of it. There were even a couple of instances of cars running four-wide, which has come to be known as proof that Juan Pablo Montoya is still in the race."
10. Kyle Petty — Are you surprised to see Petty in the rankings? Yeah, so is he. But let's give him credit. He did lead lap 39 in Phoenix for five bonus points, then shot down a monetary offer from Michael Waltrip for those five points. That alone gets him in the rankings. Plus, Petty hawks a mean Fathead life-size wall sticker. And, trust me, the Kyle Petty inventory is plentiful.
"Hey, I'll gladly take tenth in the power rankings," says Petty. "Just like I'll gladly accept my ranking of No. 2 in the 'most well-known son of a seven-time Cup champion.' I'll catch Dale, Jr. one of these days. And, congratulations to Jeff Gordon for tying Dale Earnhardt. Only 124 more wins and he catches King Richard. Until then, he's just the queen."
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